Jo is walking all over now.

Gus is starting his little boy rebellion stage.

Hogan and I are still going so strong. I know I sound so childish when I talk about us, but I really mean it. RtV is doing so great. We're funding some great youth get togethers to make their voice heard and not just for it to be about Senior citizens and old men.

Though, I should probably relax more.

Hogan was reading through the internet today and came by an article (and another actually) that says Japanese scientists have made a baby from two eggs, no sperm. I don't really know what she was getting at, but it's actually nice to think about. That our society has come such a long way that we have the technology and the brains to do things like this. The argument was made in a comment on one of the sites that it's against God. If God didn't want for it to happen, he wouldn't have inspired the scientists to try it and not give up. If God didn't want things to occur like this, he wouldn't have let women fall in love with other women or men in love with men.

I can't stand it when people try to make that argument. God wanted people in love and happy, that's all that matters.

This rain makes me nervous. I think I'm going to go back to DC for a little while, drag Hogan with me. Things are a mess here with the rain and just getting out of it will brighten my spirits alone, not to mention Hogan's. Yeah, That's really what I need. Just to go home and take care of the boys and tell the nanny to go home. Maybe take them to the park or something like a good big sister should do. Though, I hear Gus has his eyes set on a girl in his class. I know he's only six, but it's fine. I forgive the girl for tempting my Gussie.

I don't think I'll ever think of him older than the little three year old that would ride me around on his tricycle. I have to face that he's growing up... and I'm not even his mother. Damn.

If finals wanted to cancel themselves, that would be completely fine.

I hate them all with a passion.

I love spending the day at my grandparents' house, and the nights. Dinner with them was wonderful last night, and the boys were so well behaved. We spent the night and had breakfast, that's pretty fun too. I called Hogan to wish her a good holiday. It felt really, really good to do that and I don't even know why. I got some awesome things for Easter from the bunny. (*wink*) Jo was hilarious at the breakfast table this morning and he didn't even have to say anything. Gus was half asleep, so he didn't really do anything.

( Jo at the breakfast table. )

Hope everyone had a great holiday.

The turnout to work was nothing. It was Kennedy and me with a couple staffers. I do have to say, I sent most of them out to the street to get people registered, so it isn't like they completely didn't feel like showing up. They did very well. I'm proud of them, and I already gave them that speech. They clapped, wanted to leave early, so I let them. I think I might be silly and give them a pizza party or something. I had to update the blog for the organization as well as give out some free clothes. The girls went crazy for the thongs, they always do. Hogan really enjoys them, but I won't get into that.

I did have this Republican guy come in and have a shouting match with me because apparently RtV isn't nonpartisan because of me. I forgot us Democrats were evil. Jackass. The agents looked about ready to pounce on him, rip him a new one. The other staffers defended me more and threw him out. I love my employees.

St. Patrick's Day, here in Boston, is such an experience. It isn't anything anyone can pretend they know of unless they were here themselves. I was going to dress Kennedy up, but he kept pulling the hat off, so I didn't get any pictures with it on. I did however get some of him in the meeting room.

( Kens )

I do love my baby boy. The office is seriously insane today.

Letters?

You have to be kidding me.

19 feels no different than 18. The people in my office remembered, my own mother didn't even call. She has the baby and all, so I'm... I guess it's okay in a way. Spring break is coming up, I don't know if I should go to Washington, or if I just want to go away.

Being back to work feels so fantastic. I think even Kennedy missed it, but he was only a tiny thing when he was here last, whatever. I can tell he remembers it.

Everyone was so happy to see me back, apparently the woman that was filling in for me, Kim, was crazy about keeping them "on schedule." Now, I don't really care what goes on through the day, just as long as the work gets completed. Paper basketball seems to be the fun one around here.

I love this place.

I had this dream during my nap that had William and Doug playing poker together. It was just plain odd. They weren't wearing silly clothes. Will wasn't wearing a shirt, but that was pretty normal when we were together. The whole thing was disturbing. I was bleeding and trembling, on the ground, in the corner of the kitchen in my apartment and they occasionally glanced to me and chuckled, as if they were enjoying my displeasure and my pain.

It hurt and I, somehow, can see them doing just that. Demented and wrong in every sense, but it felt so real.

I'm home for a little while (and hoping my girlfriend received her Valentine's Day gift). Home being the Georgetown house with my mother and brothers are. The boys are growing like weeds. I swear Gus is a few inches taller than when I saw him last a couple weeks ago, and Jo was born a big baby and is now a bigger baby. It feels good to see them. Just them and me. It's a lot different from how it was 49 days ago when I became someone's wife and I like it best just being alone with my family or with Hogan and my family.


( Gus )

( Jo )

There are these people that take turns protesting my inhabitancy in Boston and me in general. They aren't too far away and the agents can't do anything about it until they try to attack me. Anyway, I made them some hot chocolate yesterday before I left, because they're very nice people, I think it's just their church or whatever that tells them to do it or God will strike them down if they don't "drive" me out of the place. Any way, I made them hot chocolate and cookies. There were some new people that were a little freaked out that I had no hard feelings toward them, and I really don't. There's no need to. I am who I am. I believe what I believe and they're allowed to do the same.

I would have never thought that Boston, of all places, despite their gay marriage things and whatever of that sort, could be so not accepting at times.

Neil Entwistle has been arrested on two counts of murder. Boston shall sleep soundly tonight.

It feels weird to think something like this could happen so close to home. I think Kennedy is pretty happy about it too, he's been running and jumping around all day.

I'm pretty much sitting here watching the American Idol from when they were in Boston. I remember that. I was going to go, but then if I made it, people would say it's because I am who I am. I don't think I'd make it though. The RtV thing was just a one off thing. I'm not good by any means.

Let's just say the people they're showing... pretty embarrassing.

Today is the birthday of my mother. I tried calling, but I don't know if she's blocking my number or what because I couldn't get through and I know she didn't go anywhere. I mean, Where would she take Josiah? Maybe she obtained a new "nanny." I do worry about them, maybe I'll go back this week. I miss the boys... and my mother.

Watching my grandfather deliver the State of the Union still makes me proud. It's weird to think this is the last one he's ever going to have to give. Last night's State of the Union was the absolute best I've ever seen in all Jed Bartlet's years of being President. I will never forget it.

There was this girl that I was talking to when I got coffee this morning and she was on her way to school. She looked about my age and she had a bookbag on her bag, I could see the strap. She turned a little and it was a Barbie bag. She talked like she was Gussie's age, maybe even younger. She held her brother's hand, he was older than her, but he held her hand and he talked to her like it was nothing out of the ordinary, like there was no one watching even though everyone was. She was so nice too, gave me a hug, and told me to sit with them. Seems that no one plays with her or anything, I gave her the number to my cell phone and told her to call anytime she'd like.

I don't know, I just thought I'd write that in my journal.

It feels so weird to be here and him not be here. Kennedy misses him, I can tell. It's okay though, I know I'm better off. I'm safer and so are the boys. I don't want them to turn out like him. Nothing even close. Not even the good part. When he was good, He was very good. When he was angry, it hurt so much. There's barely any trace of his fists meeting my face, so that's good.

I got some movies for the theater room in Boston. The Audition and some other ones that I don't remember. Either way, I'm sure they're good movies.

I managed to sneak away from the intervention. They'll probably send the hounds looking because I could have gone back home to my husband, doesn't that sound crazy... A woman and her husband. I'm using this trip as a vacation and barely nothing to anything else.

Hogan likes to check on me, which is so wonderful. She buys insane amounts of things (especially on this trip), though I have no room to talk... 127 pairs of shoes and all (which still doesn't deter me from buying more) in Boston. Just being in California alone increases the rate of excessive spending, I think. It's beautiful here though. 72F. Crazy weather that I'm not particularly used to at this time of year, but I couldn't possibly complain.

[private]

Something is fishy. The agents stay outside the house, which I told them to do. Thing is that some, when they do see me, don't say a thing about me. Mark and Lei do all the time, but they have to believe whatever I tell them happen. Most of the others don't even ask. And what does the whole "the dollar can make any man blind" thing mean? William told me earlier today and whatever is going on with my head at the moment is making nothing make sense and it's probably right in front of my face. I don't know.

[/private]

[private]


How the hell am I supposed to know if I'm pregnant not even a week after we've started trying?

What do I get in return for not knowing? Bruises over my bruises. Damn it. I can't look like this around my family. I just can't. Thank God I told Mark to stay outside. He'd be going postal on William by now, which would be his job, but I don't want anything to happen to my husband. And that sounds so stupid, but it isn't. Hogan and Charlie think I'm stupid for taking it, taking the beatings. He doesn't yell, he just hits. If he yelled, it would hurt much worse and the hitting doesn't bother me all that much. I just, I need to be strong for a change in my life. I've never been strong and I need to be ... for the boys at least.

Let me see if I can go cover these things up.


[/private]

Sometimes one just has to write things down to remind themselves.

I'm learning to knit. William said his mom used to knit, so I thought I'd bring a touch of home back to him. He took Gussie to the toy store to pick something out for him and to get Jo something because I think Jo, despite the astounding amount of stuffed animals and educational things he has as it is, needs more things to hold onto. He's kind of just laying here on his mat William and I got him for Christmas looking at himself in the mirror, getting excited for no particular reason. Adorable as a button... If that button were very, very adorable.

I think the boys just got in, so I'm going to see what they found. Later.

I know the thing will be blown sky high because no one knows the circumstances or the man himself.

Damn it. I feel so damn stupid.

[private]


He's driving me up the wall. Seriously. Maybe grandma will get him to stop without me giving her the full... whatever... of the thing.

He told Zoey. Now, I love Zoey. I mean, She's more like my sister than my aunt, but she gets pissed off at anything I do. The only time we were civilized were at the hospital when Jo was born, and when we studied together, but I know she's jumping to conclusions now. I know Charlie made William out to be a monster and he really isn't.

He doesn't know him.


[/private]

[Private]


We didn't have any pictures taken because my face is still swollen and I'm ugly like this. So ugly. It's all covered with makeup, but... It's still swollen. Nothing is broken. Stop crying you baby. You did the right thing. You can change him and he loves you and you'll have beautiful children. The more scared you are of him, the slower any of that happens. Just do what he says, when he says it, like a good wife and he won't have to discipline you. Stop being stupid.


[/Private]

Mrs. Ann Kwalalon. Has a nice ring to it.

It was a very nice, very simple ceremony. We didn't have any pictures taken. I know, one would think there'd be a desire to have pictures of the event, but it didn't bother us. Less pictures, less media I think. I don't know though, I'm usually bad with the media thing.

[Private]


He didn't like the watches I gave him. The ones he boasted about being the best watches he's ever seen and he didn't like them. He threw them at me. Can't even see the small bruises on my leg... Can't see them because I'm wearing pants but whatever. He's a sweet guy and I shouldn't jump to conclusions like that. No one liked what I gave them, probably. I don't blame them.

Ellie saw my arm the other day. I need to watch what I wear more often.


[/Private]

Annie's Christmas Gifts are as follows...

Will: 2 watches because he likes the style. this and this

Hogan: A Ring (this)with a note. If you decide to wear it, It's all yours. I looked at it and thought of you. I love you.

Liz: This, except it has three stones. An aquamarine, a sapphire, and a topaz. Her children's birthstones.

Gus: Gets stuff. 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.

Jo: Gets stuff too. 1, 2, 3, and 4.

Jed: Gets a watch. This.

Abbey: Gets a broach. This.

Ellie and Zoey: Both get the same neckless. This.

[Private]


Two rings. One extravagant and heavy. The other simple and light. Both beautiful.

What the hell am I going to do? He didn't notice it last night. I didn't move it but the once to put it on the bottom of his ring, closer to my heart. That sounds nerdy and stupid, but I want it that way.

The bruise on my arm is okay. It will be fine.


[/Private]

William's sister sent him a new camera recently. It used to be hers, but it's still an amazing camera and William is a great photographer. He decided to take some pictures of Jo. It's awesome what some sheets and great lighting can do.

( 3 weeks old )

This (very) big sister thing absolutely does not get old.

We're talking again and it makes me feel so much better than what I've been feeling. I've been happy, but... I don't know, Something was missing. It's back now. She's coming over tonight and I couldn't possibly be happier.

This little crack of the morning bottle feeding that gives the lump and I bonding time, makes me smile everyday. It doesn't even get old and I don't want it to. He's growing very well.

In other news, I've been thinking of attempting to bring back the retro 80s Cyndi Lauper hair. William would quite possibly kill me, so we'll see.

[private]


I had a dream with Hogan in it during my nap. William was holding onto me and I couldn't reach Hogan. I was crying and she was calling my name and being hurt by something that none of us could see. I couldn't reach her. I wanted to and I couldn't. I wanted to hold her and I couldn't. I couldn't do any of that.

Damn it, What the hell was that?


[/private]

For those of you who wanted to see what the ring looks like, ( here is a picture ).

I think it's beautiful and I'm guessing William does too, or he probably wouldn't have bought it to give to me.

I really need to talk to Mom about the thing. It's pretty dumb that I haven't yet.

The Lump (which I so fondly call Jo) is snuggled to my chest, sleeping. He looks so damn comfortable and I can hear him breathing. I can watch his little chest rise and fall, his little lips move to something that isn't there or he yawns sometimes. His skin smells sweet and comforting. His hair is fussy and dark. I think Gussie's was like that when he was first born, mine was bright red from the get go. I wrapped him in a little Harvard fleece blanket so he's nice and warm.

I look at him and I see how perfect he is. So innocent and peaceful. He rarely cries. He's quiet and just an all around good baby. Nothing or no one is ever going to bother so that he won't be those things. I simply won't allow it.

A very happy birthday to my Chucky. We'll have to go out to lunch or something.

I think Mom and Jo are supposed to be coming home today, but I don't care all that much as long as I get to hold the baby boy. I'm going to take Gussie shopping with me for some clothes to bring the baby home in, and probably something for him because you can't get for one without getting for the other. Man, That feels so weird to say.

And to think I still need to do my Christmas shopping.

Baby Josiah is perfect.

( Picture )


I'm going back to the hospital now.

[private]


He asked me to marry him. He asked and I said yes. He has never left my side through everything and I love him. I really love him.

I haven't told anyone yet. I've been thinking to call Ells and see if she can come over for lunch or something. See what she thinks about it because I know she won't jump or me or anything like that. I don't want to tell Mom because I don't want her to have the stress, I don't want to tell Grandma because she'll ask questions, I don't want to tell Zoey because she has a big mouth. So, I'm thinking Ells.

We'll see.


[/private]

I am thankful for my family and my sanity. Is that weird?

I think Mom was having contractions during dinner and other times today, but I don't know. She didn't say anything to me. I'll keep an eye on her through out the night.

I couldn't have possibly read that right. Matt Santos for President?

Hell has a better chance of getting ice water.

My mother is as big as a house and is about to pop any day, which my brother is loving. Gussie is also quite good at paper pasty stuff and painting and puzzles. He can also cut up carrots with a butter knife, who knew? I like to keep him occupied and let Mommy rest the best she can.

My grandmother has requested that I join her committee for a better America... an America without the Bird flu. I'm busy writing up an outline and a memo for the other "members" or the "rest of the gang" as I call them. I don't even know who else is on it. Hopefully I get along with them. I mean, They'll probably be 5 to 10 years older than me, but what does any of that matter. I know what I'm doing and I'm going to keep doing it that way.

I actually did some work after I took Gus to school today. Some reports for the health things. Attempting to raise money for the big corporations to produce flu vaccines that would be little to no cost to the public, especially the new strains of the flu (H5N1, H9N2, H7N3, H7N2, and the H7N7 which will be in North America before anyone knows it). The WHO keeps thinking about these other people in other countries, and they should, but when we're one of the main producers of poultry around the world, they need to worry about the birds and the farmers here.

H5N1 is the one that is going to cripple us the fastest. There have already been tracings of it around the country, our country, but no one is saying anything about it. I don't know why. We need to fix it, not hide it. We need to treat things now. Genus A flu is going to be huge.


In other news, I've been listening to Cat Stevens all day today. It reminds me of going to sleep with his voice in my ear when I was little. Calming me, relaxing me, making me feel all over better. It feels good.

Yesterday was my mother's husband's birthday. I've never been too good with dates, but this is just something that I really don't care about. He isn't here anyway for me to even... whatever. He doesn't deserve to be given presents or even acknowledged for well wishes. So, He won't be getting them from me.

Happy belated Birthday, Josh. I bet you're pretty old now, aren't you?

In other news, I actually am having a good day. Gussie is quite the painter and we made halloween tshirts together. I'll probably be taking him out with the agents, whom are going to freak out if I don't wear a mask or costume as well, so I'll probably do that... I'm thinking cat woman or something. I don't know, we'll see.

I am so incredibly stupid. Everything about me is stupid, stupid and ugly.

It feels like I have lost her forever. I look around this magenta painted room with it's pictures on laced, padded, fabric boards that are hung on the walls and it burns, it stings, it pains me. It makes me hurt so much. My heart just wants to stop. It wants to freeze and disallowing me from moving on, it makes me want to stop. Her beautiful skin that smelled like sweet things and her lips that were as soft as a cloud. Her embrace and voice that fixed everything, no matter what the problem. It sends chills through my being just thinking about it.

I fucked up. I fucked up so much. Damn.

Being home is so comfortable. It's Gussie trying to walk in my shoes at 8 in the morning, having tea with Mom at noon, picking my brother up from school. I never fully appreciated the duties and benefits of being a big sister. They really are rewarding. I love my Gussie, who is probably one of the funniest little kids in the whole world, and I'll love and care for this new baby just the same.

Things are different this time. I can't put my finger on it, but they are. It's a good different.

Someone turned on the AC and now no one knows how to turn it off. Don't even ask. I mean, It is really so cold in here, that even my baby dog is shivering. Poor thing.

A close, personal friend told me he realized I've really changed, in a very good way. I was bad before? That's not really what I'm thinking, but whatever. He said ever since I got back from that thing in Florida, I've become more compassionate, more selfless. I think he's loosing it. I don't think I've changed at all. Maybe a more caring approach to my family, but that's probably it. Just Mom, Gussie, and myself, that's all that matters. Kennedy too. That's all my concentration is focused on at the moment. No need to do anything else.

I need to just stop and look at everything sometimes. One thing at a time. Damn, it's cold.

Last week of work and school before I take a leave of absence to be with my mother and Gussie for a few months. I'm probably happier about this than I should be, but whatever. Hopefully no one fucks up my office or kills Hogan's flowers while I'm gone, Maybe I should bring the flowers with me. I don't know.

I'm starting to pack now. I'm taking my classes online while I'm in Georgetown because I'm just really special like that. And a friend keeps asking if he can come with me, and I just might tell him yes.